Tûrwethiel

Victoria. Seventeen.The hardest thing is to kill the monster inside you.. Without killing yourself in the process. Kik: victorialynnn17

So let’s see, pretty much like 90% of the relationships I’ve been in. The guy has lied to me, once, twice, or multiple times. And I now I’m with you. A guy I thought would never fucking lie to me and you did. About something I consider big. So thank you, seriously thank you for that. I want to break everything in my house right now, or something else. I don’t know. I’m just pissed.

I’m not going to say I made a mistake but I did. And it’s a big one.

All my life I have always needed to have my future set in place, that if someone promises me something that it has to be there when they say so. I’ve always had to have things in my future the way I want before they happen. And that has literally fucked me over and honestly fucks me up the most. I hate the future since I don’t know about it, so I always need to someone come up with a stupid something or other and believe it’ll happen. I don’t know if this makes sense but I hate it.

So I assume rejecting everyone and pushing everyone as far away as possible just so I can be alone and destroy myself isn’t a good thing. Since that’s been what I’ve been doing all day and everyone’s gotten upset at it. Just let me die and become nothing by myself, I’m hurting everyone and being a fucking problem enough as it is.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect and I know I seemed to be better but here I am. Waking up from more dreams, more nightmares, more about me killing myself and dying. And I’m just back to where I was yesterday. I tried so hard to fight it though, it’s just not fair. It’s not fair. Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I just not feel this way.

I’m just a speck, a little dot, a sliver of nothingness in everyone’s life. I’m just there and gone. No one notices me when I’m there so what’s the point of even being there anyways. I really just hate myself and my existence. Every little fucking thing. I want to just disappear.

I’m at work and I still feel like dying.

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